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The following terms are illegally binding on you, your employees and/or employers, your great aunt Hilda, her annoying neighbour Freddy and your best friend’s cat. They cannot be enforced by any court, anywhere (including Hawaii), but if you break them you will be subject to the penalties set out in Section 4.
Section 1: Your website
If you chosen package includes webspace, the following terms apply:
- By using Our equipment, you agree to submit to us for prior approval any material deemed pornographic, sexual or of bad taste. If requested, you agree to send full-colour life-size copies of any material to a PO Box number.
- You assume full responsibility for the contents of your website, but We retain copyright and have every right to obtain royalties, bribes and blackmail money arising from said content.
- You will not host banned file types on your webspace, including but not limited to:
- HTML files, e.g. .php, .html
- Image files, e.g. .jpg, .gif, .png
- Dynamically-generated files, e.g. .php, .shtml, .cgi
- Program files, e.g. .exe, .bat, .com
- Archived files, e.g. .zip, .rar, .ace
- All other files
- Your content will not cause offence to Us or Our employees, with the exception of Derek because he deserves it.
- You will have no content.
Section 2: Email
If you chosen package includes email facilities, the following terms apply:
- You agree to be spammed relentlessly by us, Our associates, Our affiliates, Our other customers and anyone we sell your address to.
- You agree to let Us read your email should we so desire.
- You agree to pay bribes to Us should we discover anything that could get you in trouble.
- You agree not to send any emails yourself so as not to disrupt our sending of spam.
Section 3: Your personal information
If your chosen package includes a package, the following terms apply:
- Your information will be sent to whoever We, at Our sole discretion, decide needs to see it for legal, moral or ethical reasons, or if we think they’ll find it funny.
- You agree to let us laugh at your name.
- You agree to keep your personal information correct and up-to-date so that you don’t miss out on any spam.
- You admit to being a complete fool for trusting us with your credit card details in the first place and do not object to them being used for purchasing large items such as cars, houses and inflatable dolls from people called Dodgy_Dave on eBay.
Section 4: Penalties
Should you, at our sole discretion, break any one of these rules you will be subject to one or more of the following punishments, selected at random by a bored office worker:
- Public humiliation on message boards and in national newspapers, at your expense
- Medieval torture, including but not limited to: the rack, crucifixion and listening to The Smurfs Go Pop
- Beheading
- Castration, where appropriate
- Financial penalty of £50,000, payable in cash and a brown envelope
- Taking over said office worker’s job
- Anything else we think of
Section 5: Ending the agreement
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DeadBrain US
Award-winning satire of current events.
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